Funnies

 

Short & Sharp
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting the bull not to charge you because you are a vegetarian.

 

Hints To Reduce Stress

(Comments in brackets are Patricia's)

10 COMMANDMENTS FOR REDUCING STRESS

1. Thou Shalt Not Be Perfect, Or Even Try To Be.
( No problem there ! )

2. Thou Shalt Not Try To Be All Things To All People.
(see above ! )

3. Thou Shalt Sometimes Leave Things Undone That Ought To Be Done.
( Is there any other way for a great procrastinator ? )

4. Thou Shalt Not Spread Thyself Too Thinly.
( I'd better stop losing 15 pounds a month...lol )

5. Thou Shalt Learn To Say, "No".
(Don't we learn that when we are 2 years old ? )

6. Thou Shalt Schedule Time For Thyself And For Thy Supportive Network.
( Do 2 or 3 people count as a *network?* )

7. Though Shalt Switch Off And Do Nothing Regularly.
(Is over-doing this one dangerous to my health ? If so, I'm screwed ! )

8. Thou Shalt Be Boring, Untidy, Inelegant, And Unattractive At Times.
( So basically, I should just be myself ?! )

9. Thou Shalt Not Even Feel Guilty.
( Sorry, but I do so much of this one that I think a Jewish mother is living inside me ! )

10. Especially, Thou Shalt Not Be Thine Own Worst Enemy, But Be Thine Own Best Friend.
(Yeah Right !! And just HOW do I get that witch in the mirror to be my friend ? I have actually seen her turn & run the other way! )

 

God's sense of humor.

Look at the world around you, and you'll see God's creativity;
Look at the dinner table, and you'll see God's providence;
Look at the mirror, and you'll see God's sense of humor.

 

Difference

The teacher had just finished reading a story to the sixth-grade class. She decided to check the student's knowledge of some of the vocabulary that had been used. "Who knows what the word 'adolescent' means?" she asked.

Out of the entire class of 35, not one child raised a hand.

After a few more silent moments, she decided to give them a hint: "Adolescent - it's something all of you are, and I am not."

Finally Little Johnny tentatively raised his hand, and in a very soft voice said, "Virgins?"

Short & Sharp

The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.

Dear husband / Dear wife

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

 

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free

 

Miranda

MARRIAGE "MIRANDA" RIGHTS for men...

You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say will be misquoted AND MISUNDERSTOOD
AND then used AND HELD against you FOREVER.
 

Men & Women

Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.

2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.

3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.

4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.

5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.

6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the women leaves them.

7. Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.

 

Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.

2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes.

3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.

4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.

5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".

6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect You to compliment them.

7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't Believe you.