I used to eat a lot of natural foods,
until I learned
that most
people die of natural causes.
**
Gardening Rule:
When weeding, the best way to make
sure you are
removing a weed
and not
a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes
out of the ground easily,
it is a valuable plant.
**
The easiest way to find
something lost around the house is to buy
a replacement.
**
Never take life seriously;
nobody gets out
alive anyway.
**
There are two kinds of pedestrians:
the quick and the dead.
**
Life is sexually transmitted.
**
Health is merely
the slowest possible rate at which one
can die.
**
The only difference between
a rut and a grave
is the depth.
**
Some people are like Slinkies.
Not really
good for anything,
but you
still can't help but smile
when you see one tumble down the stairs.
**
Health nuts are
going to feel stupid someday,
lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.
**
Have you noticed since
everyone has
a camcorder
these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
**
Whenever I
feel blue, I start breathing again.
**
All of us could
take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention
to criticism.
**
In the 60's,
people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the
world is weird and
people take Prozac to make it
normal.
**
How is it one
careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
**
Who was the first person
to look at a cow
and say,
"I think I'll
squeeze these dangly thingies here,
and drink
whatever comes out?"
**
Who was the first person
to say,
"See that chicken over there?
I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta
its butt."
**
Why is there a
light in the fridge and not in
the freezer?
**
If Jimmy cracks corn
and no one cares,
why is there a song about him?
**
Why do people point
to their wrist
when asking for the time,
but
don't point to their crotch
when they ask where the
bathroom is?
**
Why does your
OB-GYN
leave the room when you get undressed
if they
are going to look up
there anyway?
**
If quizzes are quizzical,
what are tests?
**
If electricity comes
from electrons,
does morality come
from morons?
**
Do illiterate people get
the full effect
of Alphabet Soup?
**
Did you ever notice
that when you blow in a dog's face,
he gets mad
at you,
but when you take him on a car ride,
he sticks his head
out the
window?
**
Does pushing the elevator button more than
once make it arrive
faster?
**
Why doesn't glue
stick to
the inside of the bottle?
**
Do you ever wonder
why you gave
me your email address ??